Tuesday, October 05, 2004


I received the most thoughtful, kind gift last week. As I've mentioned...things have been, well, not good. I was on my way to an appointment, feeling pretty darn blue and overwhelmed, when I swung by the post box. There was a slip saying I had a package....I knew I'd be late if I stopped for it...but I wouldn't be back before the office closed...not much of a dilemma, I chose being late!
The package was from Norma, of Now Norma Knits... I so wish I could show a pic of the contents...(ARGH!!!! STUPID TECHNOLOGY!!!)..ahem...but I can't at the moment. I can show you one thing tho, it was this, Nicky Epstein's Christmas Stocking Book!!! I didn't even know it was out there....and now it's mine!! Woo hooo, thank you Norma!! Just think....I can make ONE SOCK....and no one will tease me!! This is heaven!

Also included: A lovely handmade angel ornament, made from sweet peachy-colored tulle...AND (I know!! THREE things....wow!!) a set of spreaders (you know, for cheese or dip or whatever...) with Christmas-style handles...... am I lucky or what??

Now....another subject.... I wanted to post about Norma's RAOK before I forged ahead. It really did help me hang on another day or two to my sanity, I hope you know that Norma.
Warning...this is not happy-go-lucky...gee, life is grand stuff. If you don't wanna read about hard stuff, I don't blame you and you are free to move on. For some, it is "too much information," I get that. Life is just sometimes messy......and I have spent a lot of my life pretending everything was fine...when it wasn't. That is what my family/role models did, and so that is what I did.

"What, you say there's a pink elephant in the room?? No, there's no elephant....everything is fine."

Well, sometimes life isn't fine, sometimes is sad and scary and overwhelming. Sometimes it's our own *stuff*, sometimes our childrens, our spouses, or other people near and dear.

Tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary...were I still with my ex-husband, I imagine I would be celebrating it. It will always be the anniversary, whether we were together or not, you know?
I spent 14 years married to an alcoholic. I had no preparation for this...there was some major mental illness and dysfunction in my family growing up...but alcohol was verboten. So, I never learned to recognize alcohol abuse for what it was or how to respond when someone I cared about had a problem. The duration of my marriage, I was convinced it was my fault Mike drank. I went into the marriage quickly, with a lack of maturity (couldn't tell me that then!!), and with a background of being raised to believe my mother's mental illness was my fault...and my responsibility to contain and perform damage control when things went wrong. Since I immediately went to "this is all my fault!!", it was pretty easy for Mike to say "oh....hey, YEAH...this IS all your fault!!!" I handed him a "get out of jail free" card on a golden platter...the card must have read something like this:

"You are hereby free to be an out-of-control alcoholic
and your wife will not only take all the blame...
She will also cover up for you, make right your wrongs,
AND try to be June Cleaver on top of it!!
Go ahead...pass GO and have another drink!...If you spend
the rent money, don't worry...Lisa will fix it!"
Nice, eh? Yup, I pretty much did that to myself...but completely unknowingly. Do I have some stuff to get over? Yeah. That's why I'm doin' therapy!!
Then, DQ#1 moved in with her dad when she was 14. When she moved back home 18 months later, she was abusing alcohol and over-the-counter meds. 69 days of inpatient rehab and a LOT of money later...she came home sober, and has been ever since. I am very, very proud of her and very thankful.
Now, someone else I love has stumbled out of not drinking and back into using alcohol to escape pain. That's what's going on with me. I'm working on knowing it isn't my fault, I'm not responsible, etc. I'm also working on saying out loud "There is a problem." That is a big one.
So...there it is. No knitting content (tho Faina is up to 85 rows!! woo hoo)...just an open window into my life. I have really let my SPIII down in all of this, but she has been very kind. Hoping the box on it's way to her will make things a bit better there.
Next post we will resume our regularly scheduled knitting posting.


Knitti-me said...

Wow, Lisa, that's a lot of sh*t that nobody should have to carry. I'm so glad you are in counseling. I'm so sorry about your loved one who is struggling with substance abuse now.

Remember you can be supportive without being enabling. It was their decision to get back into this, not yours. I commend you for saying, "there's a problem here!"

Your blogging buddies are here for you sending loving thoughts and prayers your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad the package I sent made you happy. When I read your "about me" page, I just knew what I could send you, I had it partially planned, and then one day I literally stumbled upon the Xmas stocking book in a shop and said, "Lisa!" I second what Marie said about that other "situation." We're here for ya, all the way. Be kind to yourself, too. - Norma

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.... Good for you for shining that light on the "elephant!" :)