Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I've mentioned having a crazy mom...and that hit a note of recognition from a few readers. My mom has (at the least) schizo-affective disorder and at the most, a few other charming mental illnesses to boot. The best way to describe schizo-affective disorder is this:
If I were to go to my mother's residence to give her a ride to a doctor appointment and be tragically struck down by a big ol' truck as I tried to get in my car and lay bleeding and maimed in the road....this would be my mother's response:
"Lisa! You're hurt! ....... Now how am I going to get to my doctor's appointment????"
The most characteristic traits of schizo-affective disorder are a complete lack of compassion and total self absorption. Now, while mothers the world over are accused of this kind of behavior daily...to actually have a mother with this kind of mental illness can be pretty devastating to a child.
A past therapist suggested that I raised myself with the aid of television. I scoffed at the time....but as I continued therapy and began to really look at the way I think, I realized she was pretty damn close to the mark.
I saw June Cleaver, The Brady family and The Partridge Family as "normal." Their TV lives of always happy, white-picket-fence-ness were what I perceived as the way it should be. Not only that, but I believed if I tried hard enough....I could become them.
Needless to say...that's a pretty lofty goal...to attain something that isn't even real!!
Hey, tho, it saved my life when I was 5 years old and couldn't adjust to constant insanity.
Perfectionism, depression, and a low self esteem were the results of that distorted thinking, however, and here I am at 40 years of age saying to myself "I am not June Cleaver...and hell, I don't even WANT to be June Cleaver!" whenever I have those moments of not being able to let go of how things "should" be.
So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, I am thankful for several things: All the usuals (family, friends, blah blah blah), as well as television...it gave me something to hold on to when I could have easily gone into much more devastating avenues to hang on to myself, a good therapist...God bless you David...., and the internet, which has given me 4 or 5 nice women who "get" what I'm talking about.
Happy Turkey Day, y'all.
Monday, November 22, 2004
I have to take care of a big THANK YOU to Ms Bron!
The last few weeks....when I did NOT feel good...lovely blog friends came through for me in a way that touched me so deeply! First, Marie of Knitti-Me sent me the coolest stitch markers! Then, a Surprise from Bron!
I got the slip indicating I had a package. When retrieved, it was discovered it was a package from New Mexico...from Bron! It contained a heavenly bag of potporri...some rose-scented hand balm, and a bag knit by Bron herself! I was so pleased, I can not express myself adequately!
Life went cra-zee immediately after and I realized this weekend that I hadn't said a proper "thank you" to Bron, so Bron dear, Thank You! Your kindness just touched me deeply. Thank you for being my cyber buddy!!
And, as if I haven't been spoiled enough, my SPIII pal came through in a BIG way! Wowza! I got (and I hope I remember everything!)
- A dozen way-cool German chocolate eggs...they are hollow and have toys inside! My kids thought they had died and gone to heaven!
- A Christmas tin that is also a music box...filled with tasty German cookie/cakey kinda treats....mmmmmm.
- A package of different flavored mini chocolate bars...praline, marzipan....those are MINE! I share with NO ONE!
- Two gorgeous skeins of Regia sock yarn...one blues and browns and one mixed blues...made my heart race, I tell ya what!
- Some of the softest Lana Grossa meriono wool I have ever touched in a silver/smokey blue and darker blue...I haven't decided what it will become, but it will be for ME! I'm being selfish....me, me, me!!!!
- A pair of bamboo knitting needles, yay bamboo!
- Really cute stitch Christmas markers she made for me herself, crafty thing!
- A tiny soapstone (?) container with lid...I actually love miniature boxes and have collected a few so this fit right in!
- A set of Christmas Angel ornaments...Thank you for adding to my new collection!
- The Vogue Quick Reference book, if that can't bail me out of the knitting predicaments I get into, I don't know what can!
- Weekend Knitting...now this is sort of a funny thing! You see, I bought WK when it first came out. Then, in a fit of cleaning (I know, miracle but it does happen) I decided I would never knit anything out of there and that I would take it to Powell's and trade it in. No sooner did I do it, than I swear I was seeing all sorts of things people knit out of it and wishing I hadn't traded it! But...I had bought it once and damn it, I refused to buy it again! Now...I have it again! Now if that isn't amazing I don't know what is! Thank you SPIII.!!!!
- Lastly, she even put in a goodie for Emily, the Knit Knack (? I think that's right) set. Now, in view of all that has happened, she may wonder what I would do with it...and that leads me to News of My Personal Life...
Emily and I are working on having an Alternative Arrangement. I capitalize this because it is a Big Deal to me.
I was raised in a family that dictated that you got married, stayed married 60 years, and if you made a bad choice....well...too bad for you. You made your bed, you lay on it. I have consistently tried to fit "traditional" ways of being into my life, whether they fit or not.
I have realized that Emily and I just can not live together, at least right now. I love her...she is my best friend and so much more. She loves me, and we are willing to try to "think outside the box" of when you are in relationship, you obviously live together. So...we are working on seeing what it feels like to be together, without living together.
So, Emily got her kit and was very touched and sends her thanks!
That's all f-f-folks...for today. Y'all rock...thanks for being my friends.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Boy Am I Lucky!!! :)
12:39...I have oh....2.5 minutes...so:
Lovely, LOVELY merino wool, 4 balls of a soft smoky blue color, 2 balls in darker blue. Yummy, simply yummy!!!
Bamboo needles...I love bamboo!
Christmas Stitch markers....way cool!
Two skeins Regia sock yarn....one in blues and one in blues/brown mix... Hey! Now this is for ME!!! No one else gets socks from this yarn, darn it!
There's more....but I have to go! Sigh....I wish, so wish, you could see it all!!!!! It was amazing. Each item was individually wrapped in X-mas paper...My children gathered around and watched me open them one by one...and I felt SPECIAL!
I can't tell you how much I needed that! More later!!! Lisa
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I think we are here for this: To Learn Something.
Some of us have many things to learn. Some have a couple. Perhaps a very few only have one Big Thing to learn.
Some of the things I have realized I have learned (or are still working on learning):
There are no mistakes. My perfectionism and feelings of failure are manufactured in my own mind...not sent to "punish" me by God..The Universe...whatever you choose to call it. My knitting is such a good example of this. As I mentioned briefly yesterday, I finished Shedir. It is lovely...soft and cushy out of Blue Sky Alpaca. Damn near perfect. Except....one prominent ladder at the top. Originally intended as a gift...I immediately went into "I can't give this to someone...it's not perfect!!!" and stuffed it away. However, I am learning. That little voice in my head says..."give it." Will I? I have no clue. Talk to me in a week. Or a month. Maybe.
The Really Big Thing I Am Learning: Let It Unfold. This means, stop running ahead trying to fix everything so you won't be uncomfortable later. It is also about not being in control of everything all the time.
Someone said to me once... "you always have to be in control, don't you?" and I was SO ANNOYED! I thought..."I am NOT controlling!! How could she say that!!!!"
I have realized that it is not so much that I want to control others....I want to know what is going to happen...because I can't stand being left in a state of suspense. It has to do with childhood and having a crazy mom and never knowing what was going to happen next. This is probably translated best in my knitting as the desire for a pattern to follow...and for the pattern to be correct. It makes me totally insane when the pattern does not make sense....in all aspects of life!
See....knitting can be tied to everything. Even the Mysteries of the Universe....
Challenge: What are you here to learn?
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
I am knitting however, so it can't be too bad. Finished "Shedir". Very pleased overall, though I am annoyed as all hell that when I switched to DPNs I ended up with a really prominent ladder in one spot. It's all I can see when I look at it...so I'm putting it away for awhile.
I received a lovely gift from Bron...more about it tomorrow...after I have gotton over myself a bit more.
Y'all are awesome, those who read and mail me...thank you for being in my life.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Second.....to condense a long, convoluted story:
My partner and I of four years are separating. I believe this is exactly what needs to happen for both of us...I have no idea if it's for a month or a year or forever. Lot's o' feelings going on over that...to put it mildly. A lovely, kind woman who is my very best friend.
Started the "Shedir" cabled chemo cap from the Knitty surprise bonus or whatever the hell they call it. Using Blue Sky Alpaca in a yummy oatmeal color. Bron, you won't believe it...but I am actually knitting from a chart! Yup...miracles never cease. However, like Faina....I need to be ALONE to knit it!
Speaking of Faina...her solitary confinement is almost over. I believe she has learned her lesson and that row 54 will be much more cooperative when I pick her up again. Sometimes, you just have to give your knitting a little discipline.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I keep wondering how this could have happened.
FOs and hats...I actually have finished a couple of things...yes, I do know how frightening that is, actually.
Finished the baby seed stitch hat from Mindful Knitting...out of Blue Sky Organic Cotton which is Yummy by the way.
Finished a grown up hat for Drama Queen #2, the 16yo girl, out of Cascase Quatro in this Ann Norling pattern.
And actually, (now Ryan don't get too excited), pulled out the remaining sock to be knit that I started in June. Had to rip it back quite a bit cause I couldn't figure out where the hell I was....