Friday, July 15, 2005

I Love You But

Struggling a little here today...Not much knit content...it's at the bottom. If you came here and don't wanna read my angst...no harm no foul. Come back next week...back to knitting angst only.

You know I'm gay, right? Like, I have never hidden it here. Been pretty up front about it. It is who I am...and I am slowly coming to be at ease with myself as a lesbian. It's been seven years since I came out...left my marriage of 14 years...lost all family on my mother's side because you know...they are such good Christians they can't have relationship with me anymore. Lost damn near every friend I had for much of the same reason.

"I love you but I don't approve of your lifestyle." Yeah, I don't approve of having to work and do mountains of laundry and chauffer kids around and juggle bills either. My "lifestyle"? Puh-leeze.

"I love you but the Bible says homosexuality is a sin." The Bible also says slavery is okay, multiple wives are okay, men can't shave their beards and wearing clothes made of mixed fibers is, as I recall, an "abomination." Nor should women speak in church or cut their hair. Now, I am not a Bible scholar and I am not interested in debating... I have been basically beaten about the head with the Bible and what people say it says... Frankly, mostly my mind just shuts off when they start on this vein. I feel no condemnation from God...the Universe....whatever IT is that is out there. None. Only from those who purport to follow Him/It.

"I love you but you are hurting everyone with this phase you are going through...you are being selfish." Being true to who I am may make you uncomfortable. I can't help that. The choice was live a lie...or live the truth. I choose truth.

"I love you but you haven't tried hard enough not to be gay." Oh, really? Fourteen years of marriage wasn't a good enough go for you? Sorry to hear that.

This is all old stuff...brought very personally back as someone I love is going through the same thing. Coming out and being hurt on a daily basis by people who say..."I love you but..." Can't they just say "I love you..." period? Just once? Must they, really, every time say "but...."?

If you have someone in your life who is doing something you don't like, today, just for today, please leave it at "I love you." No buts.

Knitting content: The Surprise Baby Jacket continues. This is not difficult knitting...simple garter stitch...but I find I have to pay attention constantly to what row I'm on...now am I knitting even or decreasing? What row is this again? arghhh. I have to tell you, I am a little freaked by how fast the yarn is going. I am telling myself if this requires more Lorna's Laces...it may have to become an heirloom for my first grandchild rather than a shower gift for someone I like very much....I mean...I love her and all ...but I don't know that I love her so much as to spend mucho bucks on a baby sweater....am I cheap or what? I AM enjoying this sweater very, very much...the riot of colors - rainbow, how appropriate for this post is that? - and enjoying being all anal retentive about perfection with it too....but I tell ya, if I have to spring for another skein to finish it.......It's mine.

5 comments:

Robbyn said...

When I've got a pattern like that, I tie a big bow of some contrasting yarn on the front side of the fabric. That way, all I have to do is look for the bow in order to know whether to decrease/increase or not.

Sahara said...

Good idea...but I think my brain is a sieve anyway...I have been marking the rows...then thinking, "hmm, did I move the marker?" Having to take notes on my notes....is this menopause? Gotta wonder...

Shannon said...

hear, hear!

<random>Are you coming to TQNW? I forget what style of dance you do...</random>

Sahara said...

Hey Shannon... No...not going to Tribal Quest this year, tho I would like to! I actually dance/teach what I think of as "old style" Cabaret...greek/turkish/eclectic would be the best descriptor...but TQNW has sooo much to offer...would love to go! Maybe next year...and you? ARe you going and now tell me again, what style do you dance???? I am sure I've asked but, you know...I've slept since then.... ;-D

Shannon said...

I am going, and I'm sooo excited. I was out of town last year, and the year before I had only just started takling classes a month or two before, so I went to the showcase and nothing else. I'm *so* jazzed about being able to be a part of the whole thing...

I do tribal stlye dance... I take classes with Jane at Euphoria Studios/Circle Dance Co, though I'm thinking of switching over to Gyspy Caravan, though...