Friday, August 05, 2005

P-P-P-Pressure

If I could get away with it...I would spend today in a quiet room knitting until my fingers went numb. Then, I would have one, just one, Mike's Hard Lemonade. Then I would go to bed and sleep for about 3 days.

But, alas, that ain't gonna happen.

Cassie over at Too Much Wool said something the other day about how we don't always blog about all the stuff going on in our lives....then I read Lene for the first time today, and thought about the subject of pretending...pretending that everything is okay...hiding behind the "okayness"....not wanting to make people feel uncomfortable.

God forbid, we should make someone feel uncomfortable.

That is the story of my life....making sure everyone else was okay....wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable....that would be bad. I'd pretty much give up a limb rather than make someone feel uncomfortable. An exaggeration? uh...not much of one.

Today is a hard day. It doesn't matter why. Today I am feeling vulnerable and anxious. The one thing that really keeps me from going off the deep end is knitting. People who don't knit do not understand that. Some who do knit don't understand it. I don't know if I really understand it.

It's a beautiful day...I am alive for another day...another chance to try to get it right, this business of living. Working on living in the moment, which for me is counting the minutes (31 minutes) until I can escape to sit in my car for 15 minutes and feel the softness of the yarn slide through my fingers....the soothing regularity of knit and purl.........the just-enough-complexity-so-I-don't-think-too-much-ness of a simple lace pattern.

Just keep knitting.

3 comments:

Amy said...

I hope the 15 minutes with yarn helps calm you down and soothes the troubled day. The lemon sour sounds like a good idea, too! Whatever's going on, know it won't last. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Lene Andersen said...

Ah yes... the curse of the compulsive need to make others comfortable. The source of about half my stress. Now, there's nothing wrong with making people feel good, but when you get so caught up in doing it that you cease to matter... Not a Good Thing.

More people should have something that centres them. Knitting's good for that. Hope you make time for lots of it.

Gina said...

Yes, I know what you mean. I do the same for my family, but they don't know the full pressures it places on me or the struggles I have to not fall into depression (I'm just starting to come out of one that jeopardized by job). All because we keep pieces of ourselves to ourselves. The blog helps with some, but there's only so much you can put out there when family reads it too.

But yes, thank God for knitting.