Ever heard a song on the radio that suddenly just hit you like a ton of bricks? The song "Because of you" sung by Kelly Clarkson
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Somehow when I heard this song before today, I assumed it was about a love relationship...this morning at 6 a.m. on the way to work...it was about me and my mother. About being raised as an only child of a woman whose untreated schizoaffective disorder and narcissic personality disorder were the norm...the standard to adhere to....Being told by her family that I was the one who was messed up...that at 6 years old, I wasn't trying hard enough to be good. If I tried harder to be good, Mom wouldn't act the way she did.
That's crazy making, telling a 6 year old it's her fault her mom is a nutcake.
Jumping to another subject, I have sleep apnea. Frankly, I'm effing happy to hear it too. Now maybe something can be done to help and I won't be exhausted all the time. During the consultation in November, the doc at the sleep lab took extensive past history, like almost 2 hours of family history etc. We skated around my mother's mental illness...my own depression issues. When I went back for the follow up, he was scanning his notes. He put them down at the end and said "You know, I just have to tell you...you are amazingly high-functioning considering your childhood." I brushed it off and he said, "NO! Really, I mean that!"
Not today I'm not.