Friday, December 23, 2005

Unraveled Thoughts

My mind is swirling...Holiday-induced angst I suspect.

Ever heard a song on the radio that suddenly just hit you like a ton of bricks? The song "Because of you" sung by Kelly Clarkson

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Somehow when I heard this song before today, I assumed it was about a love relationship...this morning at 6 a.m. on the way to work...it was about me and my mother. About being raised as an only child of a woman whose untreated schizoaffective disorder and narcissic personality disorder were the norm...the standard to adhere to....Being told by her family that I was the one who was messed up...that at 6 years old, I wasn't trying hard enough to be good. If I tried harder to be good, Mom wouldn't act the way she did.
That's crazy making, telling a 6 year old it's her fault her mom is a nutcake.
Jumping to another subject, I have sleep apnea. Frankly, I'm effing happy to hear it too. Now maybe something can be done to help and I won't be exhausted all the time. During the consultation in November, the doc at the sleep lab took extensive past history, like almost 2 hours of family history etc. We skated around my mother's mental illness...my own depression issues. When I went back for the follow up, he was scanning his notes. He put them down at the end and said "You know, I just have to tell you...you are amazingly high-functioning considering your childhood." I brushed it off and he said, "NO! Really, I mean that!"
Not today I'm not.

4 comments:

Elaine said...

I just want to run to Oregon and hug you.

Sahara, you are a good girl. You are a good partner. You are a good mom. You are a good employee. You are a good dancer. You are a good blogger.

Even if you weren't, you are still good - you are a person.

xoxo

purlewe said...

dang I cannot beat what elaine said.. hell it made me cry.

but I know you are a good soul.. and I'm lucky to ahve found you in the ether.

good luck with more rest in your life. good luck with the hlidays and good luck with your demons.. even if they are your family or your own mental playback. I ahve those myself. they can be hell or they can make you stronger. I think they've made you a superhero.

Bron said...

I'm holding good thoughts for you for the coming year. You've made huge strides in dealing with so much crap - I applaud you for your courage and perseverence.

Go look in the mirror & tell yourself what a great woman you are....and believe it.

Gina said...

Warm hugs and thoughts from Vancouver coming your way! You have so many positives despite the negative parenting. They are major accomplishments and cannot be taken away.

You are not what they said and you can see it every day - Go Lisa!