I finished something

Those of you who have known me awhile...know that this is a momentous occasion. I finished the Baby Surprise Jacket. Now...the shoulder seams aren't seamed yet, but It's done. I even took pics of it and the Branching Out Scarft as well...but there are still 20 some odd pictures left so you must wait a bit, besides you know the whole posting picture thing just makes me crazy.

Thoughts on Baby Surprise. This is aptly named, because when I cast off and looked at this strangly shaped thing in my hands I thought, this is not right. My older Drama Queen, almost 17, laughed at it and said, "I think you did something wrong....that does not look like a sweater to me!" So I trotted it outside in the sunshine, laid it on the grass and took a pic. Then I got the directions and tried to figure out how to fold it to make it a sweater. We won't talk about how long it took me to figure this out, even tho the directions were right there in front of me. Finally....I got it. Seemed ridiculously simple once I "saw" what she was after. I like it overall...but wonder if a variegated yarn was not the best choice. I can also see one area that will bug the hell outta me, the neckline. All the other edges are very nice, but the neck edge is raw garter stitch....I am not going to like that, I can tell you. Thinking about adding a I-cord bind to it for some finishing. We shall see. Now I have to get some buttons for it...sew up the shoulder seams, decide on actually doing the i-cord neck or leaving it...sew in the ends....But for me, it is amazing it is this far done.

I was visiting with Amy of Threaded Thoughts last week about startitis, perfection, etc. I rarely finish anything ... the minute it has a flaw...I get fed up and stuff it somewhere. But I also think I have some kind of ADD...I get bored doing the same old thing for very long. Probably why I have a ton of projects going on at any one time. I am still gearing up to drag Ribby Cardi out from oblivion and back onto the needles tho...I am feeling a need to finish some things.

So...Question Of The Day: How many projects do you have on the needles? Are you actively knitting on more than one at a time? Right now I am about 10 or so repeats into Branching Out and 5 or 6 repeats into Good Ole Cabled Scarf...Have to do finishing details on Baby Surprise...

I Love You But

Struggling a little here today...Not much knit content...it's at the bottom. If you came here and don't wanna read my angst...no harm no foul. Come back next week...back to knitting angst only.

You know I'm gay, right? Like, I have never hidden it here. Been pretty up front about it. It is who I am...and I am slowly coming to be at ease with myself as a lesbian. It's been seven years since I came out...left my marriage of 14 years...lost all family on my mother's side because you know...they are such good Christians they can't have relationship with me anymore. Lost damn near every friend I had for much of the same reason.

"I love you but I don't approve of your lifestyle." Yeah, I don't approve of having to work and do mountains of laundry and chauffer kids around and juggle bills either. My "lifestyle"? Puh-leeze.

"I love you but the Bible says homosexuality is a sin." The Bible also says slavery is okay, multiple wives are okay, men can't shave their beards and wearing clothes made of mixed fibers is, as I recall, an "abomination." Nor should women speak in church or cut their hair. Now, I am not a Bible scholar and I am not interested in debating... I have been basically beaten about the head with the Bible and what people say it says... Frankly, mostly my mind just shuts off when they start on this vein. I feel no condemnation from God...the Universe....whatever IT is that is out there. None. Only from those who purport to follow Him/It.

"I love you but you are hurting everyone with this phase you are going through...you are being selfish." Being true to who I am may make you uncomfortable. I can't help that. The choice was live a lie...or live the truth. I choose truth.

"I love you but you haven't tried hard enough not to be gay." Oh, really? Fourteen years of marriage wasn't a good enough go for you? Sorry to hear that.

This is all old stuff...brought very personally back as someone I love is going through the same thing. Coming out and being hurt on a daily basis by people who say..."I love you but..." Can't they just say "I love you..." period? Just once? Must they, really, every time say "but...."?

If you have someone in your life who is doing something you don't like, today, just for today, please leave it at "I love you." No buts.

Knitting content: The Surprise Baby Jacket continues. This is not difficult knitting...simple garter stitch...but I find I have to pay attention constantly to what row I'm on...now am I knitting even or decreasing? What row is this again? arghhh. I have to tell you, I am a little freaked by how fast the yarn is going. I am telling myself if this requires more Lorna's Laces...it may have to become an heirloom for my first grandchild rather than a shower gift for someone I like very much....I mean...I love her and all ...but I don't know that I love her so much as to spend mucho bucks on a baby sweater....am I cheap or what? I AM enjoying this sweater very, very much...the riot of colors - rainbow, how appropriate for this post is that? - and enjoying being all anal retentive about perfection with it too....but I tell ya, if I have to spring for another skein to finish it.......It's mine.

My Brain Doesn't Work Like That

So....got the Baby Surprise Jacket pattern last night, and promptly cast on.

Then ripped. And knit again.

Then I tried tinking back.....no go.

My brain doesn't work the way EZ's brain works. There is a point in the "pattern*" where she says "see what you're doing? Now just keep on doing that till you get to here... (paraphrased)."

Uh, no actually I DON'T see what ever the hell it is that I'm doing!! I am apparently as a very small child...you must give me plain directions....give me numbers....TELL ME WHAT TO DO FOR GOD'S SAKE....PLEASE!

My salvation has been that there is actually a Yahoo group for knitting these patterns....where some other poor soul whose brain was probably boiling over at this point as well has created a spreadsheet which tells you what to do.

Okay...so I am not a free thinker....never have been. Give me directions, I can do anything by damn. Say..."here make something up..." and you'll be sorry. Or I will. Or maybe we both will.

Using Lorna's Laces Shepard Sock in Rainbow....you know...same stuff Ryan had once upon a time which threw me into fits of lust. The baby is to be a boy...at least...so they say. Tired of the baby= pastel thing...I went for BRIGHT. I am loving it too.....

Now....if I just didn't have to work I could be knitting. Then again, I just bought two skeins of LL at $16 a pop for a baby sweater. Guess I better be glad I do work, eh? I was tempted, and I do mean tempted, to use acrylic. But the mommie to be "gets" it.....she gets the natural fiber yummy goodness of wool....she gets the work and love and time that will go into it...she will keep it and use it with other children or pass it along to someone equally understanding. She merits the LL.

*pattern. Apprently, Ms Z wasn't big on actual patterns per se.....more the knitting by the seat of yer pants kinda gal. Now I admire that immensely. Will I ever be that? I doubt it. I know many love it...and kudos to you. Meanwhile, thank you very much to the kind soul who created the spreadsheets on that yahoo group. You kept me from throwing in the towel at row 14.

Fiber Fever...

Wandering around the web...reacquainting myself with favorite blogs...I see the Flower Basket Shawl has been the "it" of knitting while I was away.

I want one.

Will I try one? Not likely. I also wanted a Must-Have Cardi...which has never come about. I should know by now....I do not play well with others. I cannot join the crowd. The minute I try...doomed to failure.

Several repeats on the Good Ole Cabled Scarf have managed to appear, and the same goes for the Branching Out Scarf. Both were the subject of some frogging yesterday...I had messed up on both and knew if I didn't rip it the mistakes would make me crazy. There is one row of seed stitch I mucked up on the cable scarf...about 3 knits instead of k/p/k/p. It is mildly irritating to me...but it is also at least one and a half repeats back. Doesn't irritate me THAT much...

I am borrowing a friend's copy of EZ's Baby Surprise Sweater pattern today for a shower gift for a dancer in my troupe. Said baby is due to make it's appearance within the next month to six weeks. I chose this pattern because it is all in one piece, which means it has a chance of getting completed....it is garter stitch, but also sort of different.

Now...I know I am about to bring the wrath of the knitting goddesses down on me here.....but I have been sort of apathetic about the whole "EZ is the most revered of knitters" thing. I fully recognize I should probably go back and look at her stuff again now that I have a little experience under my belt. I looked at her books when I first started knitting......and well....it didn't move me.

Don't hate me, okay?

Another day...another dollar....another row....

Making myself post...I don't have much to say...but I don't want to get in the habit of not blogging now that I've finally started again.

Knitting: I have begun the "Branching Out" Scarf from Knitty....sandy colored Silky Wool. So far, I have about six pattern repeats done. I am really enjoying it. Not too easy...not too difficult. Needs just enough attention to take my mind off of everything else, which is what I need.

Also started the "Good Ole Cable Scarf" from Rachel of Yarnagogo fame...In yer basic Brown Sheep Worsted...dark teal. Having fun with it...same deal as the aforementioned pattern...have to pay just enough attention to keep me from thinking too much, which is exactly what I need.

Been gearing up to redo the back of my Ribby Cardi.....you will recall in March I made the discovery I had royally effed up the back...when it was about 3/4 done. I was so upset it got crammed away and I haven't touched it...much less thought about it...since. Now I am thinking...hmm....get your butt in gear girl and get it out...you might have it done for fall. So, that is on my agenda as well.

So the question is....for all you oh-so-wise ones....Do I rip the back of Ribby out, ball it and knit from there? Do I simply knit as I rip from it? Do I bother to do the whole washing-the-yarn-so-it-isn't-wavy thing? What is your opinion? Enquiring minds want to know.....

So much stash...so little time..

As I mentioned....moving brought my attention to just how much yarn I really have...

Going to work on getting photos this weekend and trying to post them...wish me luck with that...y'all know just how computer savvy I am....NOT.

I took a class last year at Gossamer Knitting to learn the Kaffe Fasset style of colorwork...and that would be an idea to use up alot of stash....not too hard, just time consuming. Don't have a lot of time at my disposal anymore either...working full time to afford my life. Unfortunately, that means no stash enhancement for me...but I'm at the point that going through my yarn is like Christmas..."oh! I forgot about that!!" Almost as good as buying new....almost.

Catching up with blogs...geez you women have been busy! Looking forward to re-connecting with you-who-take-the-time-to-read-me-even-though-I-don't-have-pictures....When Jodie gets here... July 25th....Hopefully she can bring me up to speed on loading pictures....Then watch out...I may go picture crazy....

So here's a question of the day for those who have nothing better to do:
If the poncho was last fall's hit...what do you think will be "it" this fall?

Yes....I am still among the living....

I haven't posted in months...haven't really knit in months either.

Life has a way of getting messy.....getting complicated....

Let's see if I can update just a bit:

1. Moved....rent went up $525. The move was a very good thing...the rent change a bigger shock than I guessed it might be.

2. Long-term relationship ended. Even when something needs to happen, it doesn't make it easy, you know?

3. Lost 40 pounds....quit program because of money issues....probably gained back some but too chicken to get on the scales and find out.

4. Started another relationship. Yeah....I know....a lot has been said to me about the speed with which I did this...but I don't care. I am happy. If you feel the need to say something....don't.

5. Realized JUST HOW MUCH YARN I HAVE.....OMG.

6. Started the potholders from "Shadow Knitting" and a baby sweater that is pissing me off.

I'll start posting again....really. I miss everyone, to tell the truth.
4.

Woo Hoo!

Today, I am wearing pants I have not been able to fit into for....(drumroll, please...) OVER TWO YEARS!

I had refused to get rid of them because they were Dockers and I loved them, but I also paid $40 for them. For me, $40 is a chunk o' change. They are actually.....loose!

Knitting: Zip, zero, zilch. Packing, sorting for Goodwill, working, exercise yes...knitting no. I miss it.

grumpy is my name

Warning, major self pity ahead. Click elsewhere if you can't stand to hear me whine.

I want food. I want real food. I am tired of high protein shakes and puddings, bars and "entrees". I knew this would come, the restlessness, discontent...the desire to eat for pity's sake.

But I am so cranky today, I cannot stand myself. I want a banana. Or a tuna sandwich. Or something.

Knitting? I am too cranky to knit - This is frightening in itself.

So far, 12 pounds off. Yeah, yeah, it's wonderful and all that crap. I want a Subway sandwich.

I

Whew!

Last week was ugly! Sorry no post....but I was pretty grumpy so it is just as well!

Hmm, where to start?

Rakkasah: Overwhelming, wonderful, exhausting. All that and more! I belive it was about an 8 hour trip down. Rained all the way home, that sorta stank.

I got to see big names in bellydance, like Suzanna DelVechhio, Fat Chance BellyDance, Jim Boz. Dancers from Germany, Switzerland, Japan and Australia. Probably 100 vendors of shiny things..woo hoo!

Knitti Me: I am so pleased I finally got to meet a fellow knitblogger in real life! Marie drove more than 1.5 hours to spend part of the day with me! She brought me gifts! She made me a beautiful beaded bracelet with matching stitch marker, black hematite type beads (? Is that right marie?) with silver and crystal accents and a kitty charm. She also brought me wonderful bath salts that smell like almonds...which I am saving for the first bath in my new house. :)

Marie was funny, and charming, and a great sport. It was indeed like meeting an old friend. Thank you Marie! I hope we can manage a visit when you hit Portland next! By the way, I did get your email, I am just waaaaaaay behind. :)

The Diet: I am at 12 days. I think I have lost about 10-12 pounds, but I was getting sort of obsessive about the scales so I decided to only weigh at my Tuesday nutrition class. First week I lost 7.5 pounds! Some days are harder than others, but I can say for the first time in my life, I have not cheated on this once! I haven't even licked a spoon or put anything in my mouth that is not on the program. This is pretty darn huge for me!

Last week was difficult for a variety of reasons, not the least of which I am changing antidepressants. I have been taking Paxil for 9 years....and felt a need for something different. The Paxil has kept me from going into a deep, deep depression, but it has also kept me from having a whole lot of emotions at all. So, the doc is trying me out on Prozac. Last week I took both full strength, now I am cutting my Paxil while I continue the Prozac over a three week period. Last week was ugly. I doubt I need to say more. :)

Knitting: Working on the second Lagoon sock, which I mightily fugged up, but I do not care. The socks are for me, I am the only one who will know. I continue to work on the F&F scarf and the "Thermal" scarf for Dulaan.

In preparation for moving, I packed all my knitting books. Every one. I will keep out sock yarn and my sock book along with the two scarves and everything else is getting packed....Woo hoo!

so, that is a short and sweet version of me. Doing much, much better this week....and yes, I do realize it is only Monday, but I have a positive attitude, dude!

Pardon The Interruption In Service...

Please excuse my absence this week...dealing with father's illness, a teenager crisis - why do 16-year-old girls think they know it all?, The Diet (which is going well, but a struggle sometimes - you know, like when the 16 yo lies about where she is and alcohol is involved...), and having to work more hours than I like have all added up to bring a slight delay in discussing

• Meeting Knitti-Me in person!!!
• Rakkasah and all its glitter...and amusement
• Knitting...(knitting? Like I have time! Argh!)
• The Diet (okay, okay, 8 pounds off in 9 days!! woo hoo!)
• Anything else.

Your regularly (or not-so) scheduled blog entry will be forthcoming, I promise.

The Beat Goes On....

I don't know that I have much to post about...but I'll try anyway.

Knitting: Very little knitting has been done here in Saharaland....A bit on the second Lagoon sock and a bit on the mohair feather and fan scarf. I am working more hours which translates into more money, but less energy and free time.

Weight loss program: I am fasting this a.m. for a blood draw at 8 a.m. I will have an EKG later today or tomorrow. Less than one week to go before The Program. I am alternating between excitement and abject fear of failure.

Finally getting well...it has been almost 2 weeks since I came down with the flu or whatever it was. I am still tired a lot, but finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bellydance: Those who are going to Rakkasah are pretty excited...I guess I could compare it thusly, Rakkasah is to belly dancers as Rhinebeck is to knitters. Plus, I get to meet fellow knit blogger Marie of Knitti-me - That is a huge treat! Other than Rakkasah, I'm working on choreography for a troupe routine and starting to finally work on a routine for myself to perform the end of April at Saqra's Showcase in the Portland area next month. I haven't danced a solo in a long time....I'm a little nervous to tell the truth.

I have a package waiting for me...pretty sure it's my Over The Rainbow sock yarn I got as a birthday present for me! Wheeee.

If It Can Go Wrong....It Will

The last week has been ugly. Over and over again, if something could go wrong.... it did. In a big way. It's as if the last good thing that happened to me, seeing the house I am going to rent and having the landlords tell me it was mine...has caused some kind of cosmic downpour of shit.

I keep getting up every day, thinking "gee today has GOT to be better..." and then, it isn't.

What's with that?

I tell ya...I need something else to happen.

Knitting: Cast on second Lagoon sock...knit a bit on the Feather and Fan mohair scarf...ordered some fun rainbow sock yarn. That's about it for knitting fun.

Aren't you glad you stopped by so I could brighten your day?

So tell me, where did I go wrong??

Who wants to tell me what I did wrong?? I finished my Columbine sock...got out the clearest kitchener instructions I could find at home (Knitter's Book Of Patterns) and dutifully followed the instructions oh so carefully to graft.

It looks like a seam...you know, like the **inside** of a seam is supposed to look like. If I turn the sock inside out, it is a lovely graft....but on the outside it looks like a seam??

Am I a dimwhit? I last kitchenered (is that a real word?) about a year ago and while it wasn't perfect, it didn't look like a seam on the wrong side.

Am i taking it out? no. I have no idea how to do it without losing the stitches and it isn't worth it to me. The sock is for me...I just hope to make the mate with the seam on the inside!

Truthfully, I am sort of disappointed. I really like the sock...perhaps trying to do this at almost 10 pm after being sick for a week wasn't my best choice...... argh.

Think I'm Gonna Make It After All....

Anyone else with fond memories of The Mary Tyler Moore Show? Rhoda?

Sigh...I so wanted to **be** them... Now I am quite pleased I'm not, thank you very much. But they were **it**, you know?

Then, there was "Flo" ..... "kiss my grits!"

Welcome Back Kotter...Good Times....

I think my bout with the flu left me nostalgic, aye?

Knitting: Started decreases for the toe...minor annoyance at my own bumbling. Getting the stitches rearranged on the two needles did not go smoothly. There are no clues as to **how** you do this...assumption is made that the reader will know. Now, lest you think I am a complete simpleton...well, I'm not. You'll just have to trust me on that. It got accomplished. It just wasn't pretty. Perhaps the fact I've been ill, off work for four days, trapped in the house with ill children affected me.

Perhaps? ha.. Anyway, it's going along well now.

Longing to order yarn. However, I am also longing to move my butt outta this trailer park as well. Then again, it is my birthday next week. I could get myself a present, don't you think? I think some Over The Rainbow could be in order...

The Diet begins in 13 days....Went for the physical, discussion of health issues (strong immediate family history of diabetes, stroke, and heart disease). Found that despite my weight, I am still relatively healthy. This is a very good thing for the obvious reasons, but it also means I will not be "high risk" in the program. That equals about $120 a month savings on the medical supervision part. This makes me verrrrrrrrrry happy indeed.

I have had folks say "gee, Lisa...better eat what you want now!!" but you know, I haven't had the heart for it. All I can think is, "gee yeah, so I can put a few more nails in my coffin..." Smacks of the alcoholic going for one last binge the night before going into treatment. Not, to my thinking, the best of methods in the search for success.

The house has gone to complete hell since I've been sick. Not, mind you, that it wasn't a disaster before hand. Yay...so glad I'm feeling better...

Your link for the day goes here, to the most wonderful socks I've seen, quite possibly ever.

People Are Weird

I have been watching with great interest stash pics and de-stashing efforts around the web. I even got some great loot myself...Norma sent me some awesome baby yarn in eggplant, lime green and some multi baby cotton...all for $30! In fact, I feel sorta guilty 'bout it cause the shipping was over $10...

The one thing I have noticed happening a lot more than I would have guessed is offers of what I consider less-than-fair trade. I have read posts reading not far from "hey, I have 37 balls of acrylic yarn...wanna trade for that awesome Rowan?" or "I have some kind of wool without labels that was in my Aunt Marianne's estate sale...wanna trade for that awesome Colinette you've got??"

C'mon ladies....you are embarrassing me.

By the way, I'm home sick as a dawg...so if I sound a bit cranky...I am.

The Over The Rainbow Lagoon Socks in the Columbine pattern from Socks Soar progresses well...turned the heel and finished the gussets. Working on the foot. Cat Bordi writes in a style that makes me feel like I am doing the simplest and BEST knitting of my life. I plan on purchasing (after I get into the new house and have $ again...) her other "Magical Knitting" books....sight unseen. Yup...that good, to me anyway.

Lastly, I have been horridly lacking in linking, updating my list of who I read on the side etc. I'm sorry, life has just been busy. I will link to one blog I read every single day....because she always makes me think about my knitting. This is a good thing. I leave you with a link to Cassie, of Too Much Wool.

Ribby, We Have A Problem....

Argh...Did you hear a primal scream At approximately 6 a.m. Friday?

It was me.

After knitting several rows (armhole shaping) on Ribby's back I noticed there was an incongruity....

"Hmm...did I just run out of ribbing rows on this side? Huh. That's funny...don't I have more ribbing rows on the other side left? Huh. That's weird."

Out of complete denial, I decided I had forgotten to decrease on one side. Yeah...that was it. So, I continued on a bit. Hmmm. There is still something wrong here....

So, I carefully laid it out...smoothed it....hmmmmmmm. Then, I saw The Problem. I had two more ribbing rows on one side than the other. You will realize, that at this point, I am two full skeins into the back...almost 400 yards. Countless hours.......

True to form, I promptly picked it up and carted it back to my room where it was unceremoniously crammed into a bag. Rip out all that work? Try to go on with it obviously mucked up? It makes my head hurt to even think about it. Sorry, Marie....unless something drastic happens, you will not see my Ribby in three weeks!

You will, however, see my new socks!!! I am having FUN with two circ socks...the pattern is smartly written, just enough of a stitch pattern I have to pay attention but not so much I lose everything if I set it down...and the yarn! OMG...Over The Rainbow handpainted superwash sock yarn is awesome!

Lastly, wayyyy cool news for me: I'm moving!! We are currently housed in a 40-year-old singlewide pink (yes, pink) mobile home plagued by dry rot and mold. Due to "stuff" I thought I would be stuck there forever....but....The Universe has seen fit to offer me an opportunity in the form of a truly lovely, less than 3 year old home! I will be renting, not buying, but I tell you, I don't know if I could be happier even were I buying! I will have a big increase in rent, so I will be knitting strictly from stash for awhile...It won't be unmanageable..It just means I have to start being accountable and responsible...and...well, grown up I guess. My motivation is huge...this is the best thing to be offered to my little family in forever...and I am going for it! :)

The theme from The Jefferson's (I don't want to hear it if you are too young to know what this is...) has been playing in my head all morning...

"Movin' on up....to the top.... to a de-luxe apartment in the sky......"

Don't Make Me Come In There!!

Have you seen that commercial where the boy and girl are in the back seat of the car and he just keeps touching her? Just b-a-r-e-l-y touching her with the very t-i-p of his finger...then they are on the beach... same deal. The parents exchange annoyed glances, but that's about all.

This is not reality. Oh, the sibling stuff is real enough...but real parents? They would be responding a little differently:

"STOP IT!"
"LEAVE your sister ALONE!"
"Just walk away from him...stop it...stop it....I SAID STOP IT!"
"He's just trying to get you mad and you fussing is exactly what he wants....stop it!"
"STOP!"
"Don't MAKE me come in there!"

Finally, the one that occassionally makes my children pause - barely:
"I've had it! You don't know who you're messing with here!!!!!"

This morning, I could no longer stand one minute of them going at each other. I decided to leave 15 minutes early. I loaded my stuff and set about scraping the car windows. Almost done, I hear my cell phone ringing in the car. Yup. It's Them....calling from 2 yards away, in the house. They have not realized I am still at home.

Yes, they still live. Yes, my right eye IS twitching, how did you know?

Knitting: At the armhole shaping on the back of Ribby. Renewed interest, this is a good thing.

Bound off my first Dulaan Project item, the gaiter is done. Ends have yet to be woven in, but let's not quibble, it's done.

Mohair feather and fan continues....

Strong possibility the much too small socks are about to be abandoned in favor of actually knitting them in the size (gasp) recommended.

Swatching the intensely vivid, wonderful, Over The Rainbow Lagoon sock yarn on size 1 Addi circs in order to attempt the Columbine socks from Socks Soar. Two at a time? Eh...I'll figure that out later.

Weighty issues: Today at 2 pm I have my first appointment with the clinic. Not the beginning of the actual diet per se, but the first steps.

Today's mantra: "Don't Make Me Come In There"....no, no, that's not right...

Decisions....

Low knitting content today, let's get it over with first:

Ribby: Haven't touched it in a few days...but it goes to lunch with me to meet a lovely queer man I meet twice a week. We talk and knit and it is a "good thing."

Socks on two circs: Turned the heels this weekend. Realized, yet again, I didn't read the instructions as thoroughly as I should have. Used US 3 instead of US 5. Socks will be too small for all but extremely thin-footed premature elves. Sigh. It's okay...I'm learning the skills, right? Process, process, process....

Cascade mohair Feather and Fan: Got most of my attention this weekend, now close to a foot long...maybe longer. Yum.

Cast on baby afgan in white cheapo LB baby yarn, Feather and Fan. Hey, it's the only lace pattern I can keep in my head (just 4 rows...three of them knit...). Realized at three pattern repeats it's too tight for my taste. I'll rip it and start again with two or three sizes up. Swatch? Uh...why would I do that?

Bought something at Norma's yard sale...Baby yarn. Lime, eggplant and multi Baby Norgi (I think). The colors got me...and baby, was the price right! Might not make baby stuff out of it tho. Me, me, me.......

Hmmmm. More knit content that I thought!

If you are interested, the rest of the post is devoted to weight, weigth loss, and thoughts. If you're not interested, you have my blessings to go surf away. Hearing about weight loss isn't everyone's cuppa, aye?

My cuppa runneth over....too much over.

I have faced the hard reality that despite doing Weight Watchers the better part of the last year, switching to Fresca rather than regular soda, joining a gym and getting more exercise (not that I was a gym rat, by ANY means), and trying to make really good choices....I weigh exactly what I did May 7, 2004.....240 pounds. I have gained, lost, regained, lost and generally messed with the same 10-15 pounds, only to land exactly where I was almost a year ago.

Reminder, I am 40 years old (almost 41, blech), 5' 0.5", small to medium frame.....and I weigh 240 pounds. Most of my weight is carried in my abdomen now. It used to be lower body - Hips, thighs, etc. Somewhere over the last few years it migrated to my belly. I have a strong family history of diabetes, heart disease and stroke. I am now in the red zone for all of those entities myself.

So....I am taking a leap.

I am going to start a medically supervised program at a local medical clinic. They use meal replacements - Shakes, bars, prepackaged food - only at first, then begin slowly adding in "real food" with an emphysis on fruits, veggies etc.

It will consist of 13 weeks of "their" food ONLY, plus non-calorie beverages. 1.5 hour a week nutrition, behavior modification classes required, one physical check for BP, etc a week. A load of lab tests and an EKG before starting with labs run periodically through the program. A committment to burn 2000 calories a week. After I hit 13 weeks, I can make a decision with the doctor - lose more or stop. Once I stop the weight loss phase, I go into 18 months of maintanance with the same 1.5 hours a week in classes and committment to burning 2000 calories a week. If I need more maintanance or want to lose more weight I can. They do not tell me how much to lose, I stop when I want to stop. Of course, being managed by a doctor, they aren't going to let me lose past the limits of health, not that I can remotely imagine that.

The program uses HMR products/plan and is used by hospitals, medical clinics etc all over the US. Expensive? A bit...but nothing compared to a heart attack, diabetes, or stroke or the emotional pain I suffer at trying and trying....and getting nowhere. Covered by insurance? Nope. Not one thin dime. Of course, my insurance company would shell out mega bucks should I have any of the aforementioned health crises....but they won't pay a penny, even if it is medically supervised and ordered by a physician. So...I suspect I'm going to be knitting a lot more from stash....

Go Here to see the HMR website, Here to see some incredible success stories. Don't freak out at the speed that these people lost weight, remember, it is medically supervised....not like Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem.

Wish me success.

The Sun Is Shining....

I am sooo ready for spring. All this ranting and raving round the blogs about doldrums, yeah, that's me. There are crocus sprouting downtown...trees are budding out...spring, I tell ya, spring.

Knitting: Almost to the part where I shape the armholes for the back of Ribby. Started trying to knit two socks on two circs at the same time (don't hate me Ryan). First try was a big ol' bust. Size 3 addi naturas flew across the room while foul language...well...fouled the air. Second go has me about an inch into the ribbing. The secret? Doing the socks in different colors. I know, I know, it means I will only have one sock of each color done and will have to knit the rest of the set. What's your point? I would only have one sock done the DPN way anyway.... I am committed to finishing TWO of each for cold-footed urchins in Mongolia....

Got some yummy yarny goodness from Over The Rainbow (Ebay). Oh. My. God. Wow. I can't decide what to do with it, it's that cool.

Also started a feather and fan scarf out of Cascade Yarns mohair...I think the name is Sissi. Don't quote me. It's blue/yellow/green and ... well... it wanted to come home with me.

Pact? What pact? I don't know what you're all talkin' bout. So my stash is a bit out of control? It's just yarn.....

Too Much Stash

I am embarrassed, actually, by the realization of exactly how much yarn I have crammed into the house.

Looking for sock yarn last night (yes, I AM about to get back on the sock mania thing, why do you ask?), I kept finding stuff.

"Hmm, forgot about that."

"Oh man...forgot about that!"

"Now when did I get THAT?"

When I finally escaped the now-yarn-strewn bedroom, I could feel myself blushing from sheer embarrassment at my addiction. Deciding something must be done...I made a pact with myself: No purchases of yarn of ANY kind unless something else is finished....ALL the way finished...not just cast aside. That little pact frees me up to start knitting more Dulaan Project stuff out of stash...then you know...I can, yeah..ahem..get more yarn.

Have you been over to Yarn Harlot yet today? Ed-u-cational. Not necessarily knitting educational....but educational none the less. Go...look at her links...get educated. I have been wandering around the office asking people, "Did you know they only freeze your head??"

The Sci-Fi freak in me is fascinated...

Ribby Sleeves.....Check!

Whew...I began to wonder if they would ever end! I finally bound them off this morning. Now I wonder that they aren't pretty long for me...One of my major complaints as a "woman of size" is the issue that most patterns (sewing-wise, anyway..I don't have any experience with knit patterns!) and off the rack clothes for a size 1x and up are made for women who are 6' tall with ape arms. Yes, I am a large woman, but I am also 5' tall. Even if I shortened it, it doesn't "hang" right half the time, the line of the garment is spoiled. Petite sizes sometimes go as high as an 18, but in my experience it's on the small side of 18.

Hopefully, I will continue to gain experience with my knitting and learn how to tell when something will be too long and how to correct it at the right spot...

How are you doing Marie?? Pretty silent over at Knitti-Me, she must be knitting up a storm....

Feeling Fidgety

Argh....antsy, fidgety....and just a wee bit of cranky.

I want to start the Must Have Cardi...but no yarn and no pattern yet. Granted, it's a bit soon for either to be here yet, but seeing the posts have me salivating.

Getting a bit bored with the sleeves of Ribby. At least I am finally flipping done with the increases...one good reason to lose weight: Smaller sizes.

I did cast on for a gaiter for the Dulaan Project. It's my "break/lunch" knitting. Cascase Quatro in Red, Pink...and yeah. Two other colors. I think. Admission: I had no clue what a gaiter was before the Project began. (If you don't know, I'll tell you: a tube to wear around your neck... or on your head if you so desire). Better than a scarf. I am exceedingly tired of scarves. They fit the bill for break knitting...but I am so uninspired I rarely finish them. I think I have knitter's ADHD as someone blogged about while back.

I suspect I can attribute part of my crankiness to Weight Watchers. Not the organization or even the program...just being on it. I'm at the end of my first week and the gloss of "I'm going to get healthy!! I'm going to lose weight!" has waned. Probably why they suggest you go to lots of meetings...like I have time. I did lose 3 pounds this first week. woo hoo. Excited, aren't I? I think it's that crabby I-want-to-eat-whatever-the-hell-I-want-thank-you-very-much zone.

That would be the mentality that got me where I am today, I believe. grump grump grump.

On a brighter note, Marie is planning on meeting up with me when I am in Richmond (CA) for Rakkasah end of March. It will be the first time I've met a blog buddy in person. That cheers me right up, actually! (Now who's fickle, eh Norma?). Marie suggested we be photographed in our Ribby Cardis. Marie, dear, you suppose I'll finish the silly thing...by then. I am also having doubts the darn thing will fit at first, but perhaps by March 22....

Weight Watchers, Weight Watchers.....rah.....rah....grump.

I Am The Mother Of A Superhero

Yes...yes it's true. Of course, I didn't know it until yesterday morning. But, isn't that the way of it? So often mothers are in the dark as to their childrens super powers. The Big News of my son's superpowers came as a bit of a surprise to me...

See, I am an only child. Yup, lonely only, that's me. All of the cousins my age were girls. All the neighborhood kids were girls (well, mostly). I really knew very few boys growing up. Then, as a mom, I had three girls first....then along came The Man Cub.

It has been quite something learning to parent a boy. Anyone who tells you "they are just the same" is lying through their teeth. I especially began to fear that my son was, well, a deviant. He seemed unnaturally obsessed with his private parts...greatly enjoyed whipping it out when he was about 4 and chasing his sisters... getting them to squeal or have a complete fit, depending on their age. Now, at 8, his great enjoyment consists of standing (fully clothed, mind you) with hands on hips, slightly thrusting his hips forward and saying "pssssssss....I'm peeing on you!" to my utter discouragement and his sister's complete disgust. These reactions only seem to fuel him further.

But, I digress. Suffice to say, I am not familiar with man cubs. It has been a learning experience.

So...Yesterday, as I sat knitting away on Ribby's sleeves, the Man Cub approached. He stood by my chair, and I heard the familiar "psssssss" sound hissing from his lips. Tired, un-caffienated, I muttered, "Please, will you just stop?"

He turns to me and says, "I'm shooting webs out my penis!"

My response: "Okayyyyyyyy..."

Man Cub: (striking a pose, chest thrust out, hands on hips) "I'm....PENIS MAN!"

Me: "Wellll, buddy...you might get in quite a bit of trouble whipping it out in public..."

Man Cub: (indignant) "I wouldn't SHOW anyone!!!......well....maybe a few people..."

While being thrilled of course that I have spawned a superhero...I still harbor a few niggling fears of his growing up to be a complete deviant. Sigh. Motherhood....who knew?

Do This....It Is A "Good Thing"

There is a song I love...Sung by the incomparable Ms. Patty Larkin..And it goes a little like this:

"I know a good thing when I see it..."

This, The Dulaan Project, is a "Good Thing." Just Do It. Ryan, you again amaze me. You Rock, Chickie!

I have a verrrrry funny story to share with you, but that will wait till later. This was Important...Tune in tomorrow (or the next day) to hear how I became the Mother of A Superhero.

Back To Usual...

Thanks to Ms. Norma, yesterday was Sahara Knits busiest day ever....

Now that THAT is over...back to same old, same old I am sure.

Knitting:
8" into the sleeves of Ribby. Loving this already...I was worried about Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride being too bulky...but so far I like it! It just "feels good." No clue how the rest of the sweater will turn out...

Rogue: Untouched. Still have to find peace and quiet to study the issue of too many stitches at the top of Chart B. With children in the house, the distraction/interruption rate is too high for that kind of concentration.

Remember that yummy Cherry Tree Hill baby loop I got on Ebay awhile back? Soon as I got it, I thought "What the dickens am I gonna do with this?" I am not much of a shawl kinda gal. I think they are beautiful...but I would forever be trailing mine around in the dirt I suspect. Then, I was perusing White Lies Designs...and I am thinking her free shrug pattern might be just the ticket. Of course, being a fluffy woman, I have to wonder what this would look like on me...argh.

Numerous, and I do mean numerous scarves are on the needles. They are my distracted knitting...when I MUST knit but the distraction rate is just too high for anything else.

The whole "Must Have Cardi" thing really got me yesterday. Not the part about Norma not only joining but hosting a KAL...though that is strange and bizarre and well...just wrong...

It was going to the KAL site...looking at the sidebar and seeing that Nathania had posted "fluffy" increase directions. I thought, hey, just the ticket!

Wrong.

When I really looked at it, I realized the largest size would be too small.

This was a very, very unhappy moment....both because I lust after this sweater and because, well...it was an unpleasant reality check. I do not enjoy being obese. It robs me of a lot of opportunities....dance wise, clothing wise...unfortunately, people wise. Yeah, I know...people are supposed to like you for who you are..however, the reality is also that human beings (beans!) also have first impressions. I have done it myself, so no room to whine about it.

Nuff of that for now. Suffice to say...Some things are changing, starting when I got on the scales this a.m. for the first time in months...to realize I am 11 pounds HEAVIER than the last time I checked, 3 months or so ago.

Things are changing....now. Must-have cardi...I must indeed have you...for more reasons than I can say.

Damn it Norma!!

Creative title...don't you think?

I wasn't planning on posting this a.m....seeing as it is 4 a.m. where I live and I'm sitting here in my nightie eating cereal. I was gonna surf blogs while I ate...with peace.

But, no.

No, Norma had to go and link me first thing in her post, right in the text. Yes, it's a compliment, definitely.

And a little pressure. To be...witty...sparkling...engaging. Oh yeah...and some kind of knit goddess as well.

Yup...all of the above describe me soooooo weelllllll. Sitting here...at 4 a.m......in my cats-from-the-front-picture, cats-from-the-back picture nightie (that's at least 5 years old, and looks it)...my hair straggled...face puffy...when all I can think is "Oh shit. Norma's linked me."

Let's see what we can salvage here, shall we?

I am at least in with the latest (well, almost latest since SOME PEOPLE who swore that KALS ARE THE KISS OF DEATH but then ran off BEHIND MY BACK and started on ON THE SWEATER I LUST FOR but won't FIT ME...NORMA), trend...a Ribby Cardigan.

It should be noted, I am knitting two sleeves at once for the first time. Ahem, actually, ever as I have never finished a sweater and never even cast on for a sleeve...but I digress...Two sleeves at once, for those 'second anything syndrome' challenged as myself, is a good thing. I fear to say more that the sleeves will overhear this and commence to get all fucked up.

DAMN IT NORMA! Now I am swearing in a way I would not usually...but you swear all the time and all your chic urbane friends are coming over BECAUSE YOU LINKED ME and I feel I have to blend in....it's all your fault.

At any rate...Rogue continues...with a little hitch. I am at the top of chart B and find myself with 4 more stitches than stated in the pattern...sort of. Norma, who is holding my hand through this..., said she thinks I might not actually be wrong, so don't rip quite yet...I'm waiting for a little peace and quiet in my tiny house of Drama Queens (16yo, 10 yo and 8 yo) to work on it.

Perhaps I'll do that now....if you'll excuse me....

damn it norma.

Two Posts In One Day...

Now, don't be too overwhelmed by my posting twice in one day...believe me, it won't happen often!

Just a little FYI for Donna at Random Knits (no time to link, I'll do it later, I promise!) I have purchased Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride in Sable and Medievil Red, as well as the Addi's required to cast on.....the Ribby Cardi!

What do you mean, what about my UFOs? Who said anything about that?

I don't want to talk about it. Spring fever is upon me most unseasonably...we've had a warm break and I, well, I just need to do something new. So there. I'll finish Rogue and, ahem, those other things...Faina? Faina who?....really I will. Tomorrow. Or the next day, 'kay?

Today's Little Ditty

To the tune of Brother John...

I am grumpy, I am grumpy, yes I am! Yes I Am!
Want a cup of coffee, want a cup of coffee,
and more yarn....and more yarn....

Starbucks fugged up my coffee this a.m. AGAIN. See...I went to the SB across town, on my way to dropping one of the Drama Queen's to school. This is not the first time my coffee was "not right." Now...yeah, I am a little picky, I'll admit. Actually, I'm extremely picky about my coffee.....but that is also one of the reasons I am willing once or twice a week to pay $3.65 for a 16 oz cup of coffee. Made me cranky, mostly because I didn't realize it wasn't right until we were out of the drive through and of course I didn't have time to go in and make them do it over. The Coca-Cola I am currently sipping is not cutting it. Just not.

The "more yarn" part? Well..I thought that was sort of self explanatory.....

Adventures in Knitting..

So...as a self-avowed craft 'ho, I tend to be pretty spread out in my art endeavors. Enter the phrase, "Jack of all trades, master of none." I've been aware for awhile that knitting has not gone stale (tho a project or two has!) the way other crafty/art forms have for me. I find myself wanting to develop my knitting more...Get past the "advanced beginner" stage and learn better skills.

The same is true for my dancing. Since returning to dance four years ago...I've gained weight, dabbled in improving my skills but worked harder on teaching others than improving my own dancing.

The answer to both is "doing it." Yeah, like Nike..."Just Do It." Sometimes, I spend more time thinking, daydreaming, or reading about a passion than *doing* it.

For dance, this would mean getting my butt into the gym on a regular basis, using the workshop videos I own to increase my inventory of steps, going to events to network with other dancers/troupes, and devoting more time to my own dancing than to my teaching.

Never said I didn't know what to do....I just haven't been doing it!

The knitting, however, has me stumped. Besides "doing it"...How do I increase my skills? My LYS has classes, but all are beginner oriented. There IS another LYS here, but I have sworn to never set foot in there again. It is not *just* that they are elitist snobs...There is an ethical issue for me. It's not my story to tell, so I will abbreviate it here. The elitist, self-absorbed owner has gone to the lengths to try to persuade vendors not to supply my favorite LYS with anything that HER store carries. I find this infuriating! I only know about this because I have built a friendship with the owner of the LYS I frequent and she confided in me. I know her well enough to know she has not spread this around and to this day will refer a customer to la snooty pants if she doesn't have something a customer needs. Since the day this was confided to me, I have not set foot in the other LYS. I refuse. They offer classes that could increase my skills...But it's not worth it to me.

So, I can't run down to my LYS and take classes. I do learn well from books...But sometimes get frustrated.

That's where you come in!

How about some suggestions, either practices or products or what have you, to increase my knitting proficiency? No contest or prizes...Frankly, I'm too disorganized for that! Just appreciation! ;)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Some of you will "get" this. Some won't. Some will say "too much information, I just want to know what you're knitting!!" This is an excerpt of an email written to a friend trying to describe dealing with old stuff....old stuff that has refused to go away.

"The suggestion of "boxing" the past is well intentioned, I know. The problem is, it won't stay boxed. I liken it to packing a U-haul (I am a lesbian afer all...). You box up yer stuff. You label the box, tape it down really securely, and place it in the uhaul. You get to where you're going....and see the box labeled "old ways of thinking" or "childhood trauma". You think, "I do not have the time or energy to deal with you. I'll put you here in the attic while I take care of this other stuff." You go along, unpacking, getting your life in order. Sometimes, the box will mind its manners and stay just where you put it. More frequently, it will start to appear now and again in the oddest places. You pick it up and take it back to the attic. After awhile, it starts showing up much more frequently...and damn, if it doesn't seem to be getting bigger and heavier. The tape is starting to pop in spots....you tape it up better and maybe lock the attic door next time. But, to no avail. It WILL come out, it WILL make you unpack it...look at the contents...mourn...re-learn ways of dealing with what it brings up. It may stay boxed nicely for 20 or 30 years even. But sometimes, it hangs around so much you get used to it...it seems normal to have the box in your car everyday on the way to work. Normal to have the box under the kitchen table at dinner. Soon, the box sleeps with you and you think...well hey, I've always had this box. No big deal. That has gotten me to being diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I boxed my stuff, and chained it so securely, I didn't think it could get out. Wrong. Now it gets out in totally different ways...it WILL come out. "

If you or someone you love has PTSD, my hope is that in posting this, you might glimpse why we "can't just get over it" or "just stop thinking about it." Probably, we've been trying really hard to not think about it! Help...as in professionaly help, is out there. That's one of the things that keeps me going day in and day out. Hope.

Ulnar Nerve Injury

Well, it's not carpal tunnel syndrome...it's ulnar nerve stuff. Have to wear a brace for a week, warm soaks, ice if it helps, squeeze a tennis ball, blah blah blah.

I cast on for the Natayla mitts...using the Noro I've had calling me. I was going to try Blue Sky Alpaca...but I needed the color for my soul...you know? Something to pick me up...

Wanting to buy yarn...retail therapy...but I'm resisting.

More another day when I have some actual knitting content...

Must-Have Cardi

This Paton's pattern has me definitely interested. At the moment, I seem to be a cable junkie. It's Bron's fault. Go blame her.

I am also thinking about the sweater on the cover of Interweave Knits..um...the one with the two "waiter" guys? That sweater is pretty darn cool too.

Rogue? Well....we are progressing. I am doing the front cable at the throat...which I completely flubbed at one point. My nemesis, back-and-forth cables got me. The whole "purl on rs, knit on ws" kinda thing. The center of part of the cable appears to now be on the inside rather than the outside. Am I going to rip it? Heck no. My stress level has been on the roof...My coworker has been out ill all week and I have done the work of two AND tried to train someone at the same time. My left hand is bothering me...enough that I am going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. When you make your living typing...you don't want hand injuries.

Sigh...to the costume. Still, again...geez. If I did not procrastinate so, I would not be in this position. Argh.

How To Make A Belly Dance Costume

And What Does This Have To Do With Knitting, You Ask?

Nothing, but it's what I'm immersed in (and momentarily avoiding) so I thought I'd share.

First of all, what kind of belly dance costume do you want? Did you know there are many styles of belly dance? It's not just one genre, there are subgroups within subgroups. Each one favors its own costuming style(s).

For Example:

• Cabaret Style - This is me, heart and soul. Give me beads, give me sequins, give me glitter. I'm a magpie at heart. A couple of examples of high-end costumes are here, here, and here.

You'll notice however, none of those example feature "fluffy" belly dancers. In fact, the one with the exotic poses, I have serious doubts she even dances. Her poses are more about showing off the costume than actual dance. Bra/Belt combos go up to size 40" bust, and 40" hips. Let's say that is a tiny bit smaller than what I need.

Then just to show another style of dance, there is Tribal. Tribal has it's own styles as well. One is American Tribal Style, most popularized by Fat Chance Belly Dance in the Bay Area. Here I've linked a local ATS troupe. Notice the difference in costuming? Big difference! More friendly to all sizes of women....but this is not the style I dance. I would be rather like a tap dancer wearing a tutu...both dance forms, but costuming wouldn't fit.

Okay. There are only two styles of belly dance...and there are MORE!

Another day, we will continue to explore making your own costume. Suffice to say...I need to go back to making MINE!

Three hours later....

Okay. Let's see what I have done, shall we? Figuratively, of course, because I still have not broken down and gotten a digital camera.

The belt: Hipwork in bellydance is what most people think of, secondary to belly rolls. Middle eastern-style dance showcases incredible hip moves, from sharp stacatto to flowing rounded earthy movement. A hip belt can be anything from a scarf tied round the hips to an elaborately beaded confection that weighs 25 pounds on its own. Our troupe belt is an inexpensive cross. 2" of the heaviest weight interfaceing I could find locally, Peltek, covered with a brownish gold satin. Which, by the way, is fraying like a bitch, if you'll pardon my french. Yes, I do know all about Fray Check...but don't happen to own any. Then, a 1 & 1/2" wide gold sequin trim is applied to the belt, sewn by hand because my sewing machine hates me.

Instead of incredibly time-consuming beaded fringe, or expensive pre-made fringe, we are going cheap, but sparkly....christmas beads. The strands don't break, beads don't fly everywhere, feet don't get cut. Cheapo after christmas and looks good on stage. What more can ya ask for???

Sleep Deprivation

More on the incredibly slow 100 things list:

3. I didn't start drinking coffee till I was 30. Before that, always loved the smell....But not the taste. Finally one day, good God, 10 years ago....How did that happen? Ten years...cripes.

Anyway, I was on a trip with a bunch of Church Ladies (past life...) and we stopped for coffee. Granitas were new here (Remember, I live in the boonies of Oregon) and the barista was offering free samples. Instant convert. I just needed vast amounts of sugar and cream to love coffee!

Now, I'm sort of a coffee snob, I admit. The only coffee drink I *really* enjoy from the 21,000,000 coffee places on earth is:

• Starbucks (don't shoot me) Grande Non-Fat No Whip White Mocha
• Starbucks Grande Cafe Vanilla Frapp

One hot coffee, one cold coffee.

At home....I am embarrassed to admit this, but I can't drink coffee without CoffeeMate French Vanilla creamer...And it HAS to be liquid, none of that crappy powder crap. Crap. That's what that is, just crap. Oh, and you know....Ahem....a little sugar.

"I need a little sugar in my bowl..." Comes to mind. ;-D

Have I mentioned I've been up since 3:15 a.m.?

4. My grandma taught me to crochet one summer when I was about 10 years old. I made a lot of .... um....Nothing. Actually, that's not true. I made enough of my own design of "lace" to trim 2 or three pillows she crocheted. I was never a big fan of crochet, preferred the look of knitted fabric even then, but, was told knitting "was too hard" and I could never learn to do it...Gee...Thanks grandma.

Again, back in my past life, I mentioned to a friend I would like to learn to knit. She jumped up, ran out of the room and returned with yarn and needles. Showed me the knit stitch. Said I picked it up faster than anyone she had ever shown before (HA grandma!). I was pregnant with Drama Queen #2 or 3 (gimme a break, it's been awhile) and I went out and bought a much too complicated layette pattern and made one pair of baby booties. That was the end of that.

Then in April 2003 I had a wee nervous breakdown. My world, my psyche, my heart, fell all to pieces. Wandering through Fred Meyer one day...Lackluster, numb, present only in body, I spotted a Lion Brand learn to knit kit. First thing that had caught and held my attention since I fell apart.

I took it home, relearned the knit stitch and taught myself to purl (the wrong way!) and made quite possibly the ugliest scarf and hat on earth. The hat was HUGE, and horrid. Really horrid. Blech horrid. Yes, that bad. But I was hooked. From there, I have checked out every knitting book in our library system on knitting at least once, and severely of them many, many times. I have begun my own library...Ahem...Blush...as well as acquired a pretty sizable stash.

Most importantly for me, I have built relationship with incredible women..Almost all on the internet, none of whom I have actually met, tho one of which I have had occasion to speak to on the phone....(hi Ryan!).

To Ribby Or Not To Ribby...

Reasons I should knit the Ribby Cardi:

1. I have liked it immensely ever since I first saw it over at ChicKnits.
2. It would be something new and different for me to knit.
3. If I made it for my 16yo, it wouldn't take much time/yarn since she is quite slender.
4. If I make it for myself I could have another sweater for work, which I can always use, what with the air conditioning being perpetually on....
5. Elann is going to have new stock of the really fun colors of Highland wool tomorrow, and the price is really reasonable.

Reasons I should just look the other way....

1. I would have to buy yarn for it.
2. If I make it for Kayla, I break my "this year I am knitting only for myself" promise.
3. If I make it for myself...it will take, ahem, quite a bit of yarn...
4. It's knit flat and you know how I feel about THAT!
5. I don't honestly know what it would look like on a short, "fluffy" woman.
6. The rib part that I like so much...could actually bore me to tears, especially if knit flat.

Okay...I've convinced myself. No Ribby at this time. However, I am definitely in a cable frenzy...and have several patterns I could whip out...Hmmm.

Speaking of cables...I decided I would treat myself to a subscription to "Twists and Turns" the cable newsletter I have frequently looked at from the Knitty site. Well....talk about fast service! I believe I subscribed Friday...and yesterday I got the Winter 2004 issue in the mail! Now that was quick!

Knitting On Hold

Rogue has been put on hold....

My troupe has a performance Jan 22. My costume is....Not. Not cut out. Not sewn. Not embellished.

Guess what I'll be doing for the next two weeks?

I'm sure there will be at least a bit of other knitting going on, but Rogue, well....Probably not. I am at the front and will need to be paying attention to charts and decreases and blah blah blah. ...

Belly dance is heating up for me. This performance the 22nd here in Bend at a "Showcase" of Central Oregon performers. March 18-20, Rakkasah in Richmond, California. April we will be in Portland for a festival style event. May 7, competition in The Dalles. June 4 we sponsor an incredible *male* dancer (yes, male!) here in Bend.

All this means a lot of dancing, a lot of choreographing, a lot of costuming, a lot of hitting the gym!

Back to posting about knitting this week....in some form or another.

All Is Well With My Rogue

I am enormously happy. At my afternoon break, I cast off the back of Rogue.



Wheeee....this is fun, so far anyway. We'll see how fun it is when I get to the sleeves...of which, you know, there should be two.....

#2 In The All About Me List:
Only two people in "3D" know about this blog. My partner, Em, and my dealer...I mean, LYS owner, Jasper. Actually, Jasper's sister Elizabeth probaly knows as well. However, I don't think they read me unless I send them a link to the blog. So really, it's only Em.

My children have no idea that I blog. My friends, the women in my dance classes....even my troupe! My oldest friend on earth...does not know. No relatives know. No one that I work with...although the IT guy here may...since I regularly post from work...but I don't want to think about that right now.

Nope...this is my little haven...my safety net....my zone. Yup...y'all have wound your skeins so tight, you've landed in ...**insert Rod Serling's voice here**.....The Sahara Zone.....

Am I Stealing Bandwidth??

You know, I sit at a computer all day long....I type really fast....But I know squat about computers and the way they function. It's just magic to me, pure and simple.

I got to worrying....You know, like there is nothing else in the world to worry 'bout....That I am inadvertently stealing bandwidth when I link to something. I was surfing around the Knitblog Kingdom (great phrase, thanks to Chelsea), when I ran across this site about stealing bandwidth. I read the information...And frankly still don't get whether I am guilty or not. When I link, I use the "hyperlink" button on blogger. Does that tell you anything?? Anyone know anything?? At all?? About this issue????

Cripes...Like I need more guilt...

I'd rather be guilty for something fun, like buying more yarn......

I Am In Lust....

For this yarn

Do I need more yarn? Uh...no. Do I WANT this yarn with every "fiber" (har, aren't I funny?) of my being?? YES. I want ALL of it. EVERY color.

Yes, I took my medication today.....and I STILL want it ..... ALL of it....

Meanwhile, I have accomplished the armhole shaping for the back of Rogue. I was a bit nervous about the whole process. Then, when I couldn't sleep at 2:30 a.m.....and the house was really quiet...I did it. Know what? It wasn't scary at all. Frankly, it was a bit boring. This, however, is a good thing.

I'm going to try the "two sleeves at once" trick. We'll see. Hopefully it will solve my "second everything" syndrome.

Ah....School Resumes

Parents nationwide rejoiced with the beginning of school....they did, believe me, I was one of them.

Rogue has progressed to dividing for the arm holes! This is momentous because I have never gotten this far on a sweater! Therefore, I'm stalling. Not a lot, just a little. I want to be alone with plenty of peace and quiet and enough time to not feel rushed. This could be tomorrow...we'll see.

I purchased more Ebay yarn....what is wrong with me, I ask you? Most ebay purchases end up leaving me a little disappointed, with the exception of Noro or some other name brand.

I don't expect to be disappointed this time, tho, as I purchased Cascade 220! I am so in love with this yarn it's ridiculous. Don't know what I'll do with it...but I'll do something sooner or later! Well....truthfully, I am sort of considering a sweater from The Sweater Workshop. I would have enough for a striped sweater that I rather like...again, we'll just have to see.

Meanwhile, my last ebay purchase - 3 skeins of Noro Kureyon in incredible blues/purples, taunts me daily. "Whatcha gonna make with me???" it says....everytime I walk by...it whispers...."Lisa....you know you want to cast on something with me...come on...put that silly Rogue away..." So far, I have resisted....Mostly because I can't make up my mind what to do with it.

That's it for now....

TGIF.....

It's Friday for me....and am I glad! Three days off will be soooo wonderful.

Rogue is at row 45...which is deceptive because you repeat rows 33-38 FIVE times for my size! I continue to be thrilled with this sweater...and dare I say, I might actually finish the damn thing! Wow....that would be sumpin' wouldn't it?? By the way I was going to show you the color...but the label does not match what's on the web at Cascade and I don't see anything that really matches it! The label says Color 9460, and on the web 9461 looks close....but with sort of a soft yellow and gray heather strand/flecks. I love it!

I am lusting after a Ribby Cardi from Chicknits. I have no intention WHATSOEVER of joining the knit-a-long as, much like Norma, this seems to be the kiss of death for a project for me. Shapley Tank is a prime example..... So....I am going to see if the largest size Ribby will actually *fit* me and go from there.

Thought I might start a 100 things list....after all, everyone seems to be doing it...so why not?

1. I live in Bend, Oregon. Bend was a logging/mill town until the timber industry died here. It survived due to it's proximity to Mt. Bachelor, great lakes, and other outdoorsy-type opportunities. It is a Brewery Town now too, boasting five brew pubs which is a lot considering it's size!

Christmas Break….Psychotic Break…..

The title is fully understandable to all who have children at home. We are half way through the Christmas Break. The children have been together wayyyy too much. Christmas is over…new toys have lost their gloss…there is now "nothing to do." Except, of course, bicker. Unendingly bicker. Oh yes, and turn the house upside down and inside out in between bouts of bickering. My house looks like it vomited violently all over itself.
Charming picture, eh?
I was positively relieved to come to work this a.m. That says quite a lot as well.
I am in the repeat section of the body of Rogue…there have been a few mishaps, but all operator error mishaps, and I am still completely thrilled with the pattern and the resulting sweater. I haven’t ripped it, though some may think I should. The cable patterns don’t exactly…er, match. Somewhere along the line, I got off by one row, on one side. Oh well. I doubt anyone will be looking at both sides of me at once!
Hope everyone had a wondrous holiday….and that we all survive until the demons, er…sweet cherubs, make it back to school.

Norma Is Right

I know this is no surprise to you, and certainly not to Norma herself...But, Norma is spot-on about Rogue! It is a fun, easy knit that looks great in Cascade 220!

I am at row 21 and lovin' this pattern! Just enough cable to keep it interesting, just enough stockinette to go quickly. The instructions are step-by-step and clearly written. I am hoping more patterns of this style arrive from Girl From Auntie...What a great job!

Hoping to post before Christmas, but....If life interferes...Have a great holiday!

Gauge? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Gauge...

My, my....been awhile since I posted. I would like to say I've been on vacation or something...but the truth is much more boring. Busy with work, children, holiday events...that kind of torture, I mean, stuff.

Did you see the Rogue Norma knit for her daughter? Well...it's wonderful. Then, Norma had to go on and on about how great the pattern was....and that was all it took to push me over the edge into Rogue frenzy. Bought the pattern, ordered the yarn I wanted. I've tried a swatch on #5 needles. Got 9 stitches to the inch. Only need 4.5 stitches per inch. Now...most of you would say, "so, go up to #10s, obviously".

Umm....well, yeah you could do it that way I guess. I just thought it would be more fun to make another gauge swatch on size 8 needles to see if it would make 4.5 spi.

Guess what? Didn't work. At that point, I said "Duh! Lisa, you are a moron." In my defense, I have been sleeping very little. Like, going to bed at 11 pm and waking up at 3:45 am unable to go back to sleep. Sleep deprivation does not a quick thinker make.

More later. I think. If I can stay awake...

Whatcha Knittin' Chickie??

I am such a wanna be....I have mittenitis, thanks to The Harlot...Sophie-itis from Norma...All of Ryan's posts including Chocolate and Cuzzin' Tom make me want candy and a nice Buddhist cousin......

To cure the mittenitis, I put Nancy Bush's Folk Mittens (highly recommended by Queen Harlot) on hold at the library and started mittens out of Opal self-patterning sock yarn on size 1's. Now, this is a saaaaaaad comparison to the magic Stephanie works with her Latvian and Estonian mittens, but, well, it was all I was up to at this point in December!

To ease the aching need for a Sophie-just-like-Norma-made, I have been scoping out the Cascade 220 in my stash...lots of it really, but not enough in any one color for a Sophie, though I am considering striping it.....

The Chocolate craving has gone unsatisfied, 'cept for a fat-free, no-whip white mocha daily from the drive-through, YES drive-through!!, Starbucks. I know, some of you despise Starbucks. What can I say....I love it! and having a drive through less than a mile from the office...well, you know...how can I NOT have Starbucks???

The Cuzzin' Tom piece of the Wanna Be Puzzle is still unsatisfied. Guess I'll have to live vicariously through Ryan at Mossy Cottage....

Repeat After Me: I Am Not June Cleaver...

Anyone who actually knows me can tell you....June Cleaver, I ain't. Yet...she and a host of other TV moms were my role models, the mom of my fantasy life.

I've mentioned having a crazy mom...and that hit a note of recognition from a few readers. My mom has (at the least) schizo-affective disorder and at the most, a few other charming mental illnesses to boot. The best way to describe schizo-affective disorder is this:

If I were to go to my mother's residence to give her a ride to a doctor appointment and be tragically struck down by a big ol' truck as I tried to get in my car and lay bleeding and maimed in the road....this would be my mother's response:

"Lisa! You're hurt! ....... Now how am I going to get to my doctor's appointment????"

The most characteristic traits of schizo-affective disorder are a complete lack of compassion and total self absorption. Now, while mothers the world over are accused of this kind of behavior daily...to actually have a mother with this kind of mental illness can be pretty devastating to a child.

A past therapist suggested that I raised myself with the aid of television. I scoffed at the time....but as I continued therapy and began to really look at the way I think, I realized she was pretty damn close to the mark.

I saw June Cleaver, The Brady family and The Partridge Family as "normal." Their TV lives of always happy, white-picket-fence-ness were what I perceived as the way it should be. Not only that, but I believed if I tried hard enough....I could become them.

Needless to say...that's a pretty lofty goal...to attain something that isn't even real!!

Hey, tho, it saved my life when I was 5 years old and couldn't adjust to constant insanity.

Perfectionism, depression, and a low self esteem were the results of that distorted thinking, however, and here I am at 40 years of age saying to myself "I am not June Cleaver...and hell, I don't even WANT to be June Cleaver!" whenever I have those moments of not being able to let go of how things "should" be.

So, on this Thanksgiving Eve, I am thankful for several things: All the usuals (family, friends, blah blah blah), as well as television...it gave me something to hold on to when I could have easily gone into much more devastating avenues to hang on to myself, a good therapist...God bless you David...., and the internet, which has given me 4 or 5 nice women who "get" what I'm talking about.

Happy Turkey Day, y'all.

I Feel Good....na..na..na..na..na...na...na

Ala James Brown....I feel good! It's Monday, a new week....life is good. Not perfect, but good.

I have to take care of a big THANK YOU to Ms Bron!

The last few weeks....when I did NOT feel good...lovely blog friends came through for me in a way that touched me so deeply! First, Marie of Knitti-Me sent me the coolest stitch markers! Then, a Surprise from Bron!

I got the slip indicating I had a package. When retrieved, it was discovered it was a package from New Mexico...from Bron! It contained a heavenly bag of potporri...some rose-scented hand balm, and a bag knit by Bron herself! I was so pleased, I can not express myself adequately!

Life went cra-zee immediately after and I realized this weekend that I hadn't said a proper "thank you" to Bron, so Bron dear, Thank You! Your kindness just touched me deeply. Thank you for being my cyber buddy!!

And, as if I haven't been spoiled enough, my SPIII pal came through in a BIG way! Wowza! I got (and I hope I remember everything!)

• A dozen way-cool German chocolate eggs...they are hollow and have toys inside! My kids thought they had died and gone to heaven!
• A Christmas tin that is also a music box...filled with tasty German cookie/cakey kinda treats....mmmmmm.
• A package of different flavored mini chocolate bars...praline, marzipan....those are MINE! I share with NO ONE!
• Two gorgeous skeins of Regia sock yarn...one blues and browns and one mixed blues...made my heart race, I tell ya what!
• Some of the softest Lana Grossa meriono wool I have ever touched in a silver/smokey blue and darker blue...I haven't decided what it will become, but it will be for ME! I'm being selfish....me, me, me!!!!
• A pair of bamboo knitting needles, yay bamboo!
• Really cute stitch Christmas markers she made for me herself, crafty thing!
• A tiny soapstone (?) container with lid...I actually love miniature boxes and have collected a few so this fit right in!
• A set of Christmas Angel ornaments...Thank you for adding to my new collection!
• The Vogue Quick Reference book, if that can't bail me out of the knitting predicaments I get into, I don't know what can!
• Weekend Knitting...now this is sort of a funny thing! You see, I bought WK when it first came out. Then, in a fit of cleaning (I know, miracle but it does happen) I decided I would never knit anything out of there and that I would take it to Powell's and trade it in. No sooner did I do it, than I swear I was seeing all sorts of things people knit out of it and wishing I hadn't traded it! But...I had bought it once and damn it, I refused to buy it again! Now...I have it again! Now if that isn't amazing I don't know what is! Thank you SPIII.!!!!
• Lastly, she even put in a goodie for Emily, the Knit Knack (? I think that's right) set. Now, in view of all that has happened, she may wonder what I would do with it...and that leads me to News of My Personal Life...

Emily and I are working on having an Alternative Arrangement. I capitalize this because it is a Big Deal to me.

I was raised in a family that dictated that you got married, stayed married 60 years, and if you made a bad choice....well...too bad for you. You made your bed, you lay on it. I have consistently tried to fit "traditional" ways of being into my life, whether they fit or not.

I have realized that Emily and I just can not live together, at least right now. I love her...she is my best friend and so much more. She loves me, and we are willing to try to "think outside the box" of when you are in relationship, you obviously live together. So...we are working on seeing what it feels like to be together, without living together.

So, Emily got her kit and was very touched and sends her thanks!

That's all f-f-folks...for today. Y'all rock...thanks for being my friends.

WOW!

I have to tell you what an awesome secret pal I have!@!! BUT...I am SWAMPED at work. So check back throughout the day and I will post as I can....

Boy Am I Lucky!!! :)

12:39...I have oh....2.5 minutes...so:
Lovely, LOVELY merino wool, 4 balls of a soft smoky blue color, 2 balls in darker blue. Yummy, simply yummy!!!

Bamboo needles...I love bamboo!

Christmas Stitch markers....way cool!

Two skeins Regia sock yarn....one in blues and one in blues/brown mix... Hey! Now this is for ME!!! No one else gets socks from this yarn, darn it!

There's more....but I have to go! Sigh....I wish, so wish, you could see it all!!!!! It was amazing. Each item was individually wrapped in X-mas paper...My children gathered around and watched me open them one by one...and I felt SPECIAL!

I can't tell you how much I needed that! More later!!! Lisa

What are we doing here?

Occasionally, I ponder the meaning of life.....And lately I have been doing a lot of pondering.

I think we are here for this: To Learn Something.

Some of us have many things to learn. Some have a couple. Perhaps a very few only have one Big Thing to learn.

Some of the things I have realized I have learned (or are still working on learning):

There are no mistakes. My perfectionism and feelings of failure are manufactured in my own mind...not sent to "punish" me by God..The Universe...whatever you choose to call it. My knitting is such a good example of this. As I mentioned briefly yesterday, I finished Shedir. It is lovely...soft and cushy out of Blue Sky Alpaca. Damn near perfect. Except....one prominent ladder at the top. Originally intended as a gift...I immediately went into "I can't give this to someone...it's not perfect!!!" and stuffed it away. However, I am learning. That little voice in my head says..."give it." Will I? I have no clue. Talk to me in a week. Or a month. Maybe.

The Really Big Thing I Am Learning: Let It Unfold. This means, stop running ahead trying to fix everything so you won't be uncomfortable later. It is also about not being in control of everything all the time.

Someone said to me once... "you always have to be in control, don't you?" and I was SO ANNOYED! I thought..."I am NOT controlling!! How could she say that!!!!"

I have realized that it is not so much that I want to control others....I want to know what is going to happen...because I can't stand being left in a state of suspense. It has to do with childhood and having a crazy mom and never knowing what was going to happen next. This is probably translated best in my knitting as the desire for a pattern to follow...and for the pattern to be correct. It makes me totally insane when the pattern does not make sense....in all aspects of life!

See....knitting can be tied to everything. Even the Mysteries of the Universe....

Challenge: What are you here to learn?

Life Goes On...

Yeah, I'm here. Depressed, but I'm here.

I am knitting however, so it can't be too bad. Finished "Shedir". Very pleased overall, though I am annoyed as all hell that when I switched to DPNs I ended up with a really prominent ladder in one spot. It's all I can see when I look at it...so I'm putting it away for awhile.

I received a lovely gift from Bron...more about it tomorrow...after I have gotton over myself a bit more.

Y'all are awesome, those who read and mail me...thank you for being in my life.

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

First, a big hug and a heartfelt "thank you" to Marie of Knitti-me! On Friday, I received a lovely pumpkin-colored organza bag with four of the coolest stitch markers. What a lovely, thoughtful little surprise. You blog women are awesome!

Second.....to condense a long, convoluted story:

My partner and I of four years are separating. I believe this is exactly what needs to happen for both of us...I have no idea if it's for a month or a year or forever. Lot's o' feelings going on over that...to put it mildly. A lovely, kind woman who is my very best friend.

Knitting content:
Started the "Shedir" cabled chemo cap from the Knitty surprise bonus or whatever the hell they call it. Using Blue Sky Alpaca in a yummy oatmeal color. Bron, you won't believe it...but I am actually knitting from a chart! Yup...miracles never cease. However, like Faina....I need to be ALONE to knit it!

Speaking of Faina...her solitary confinement is almost over. I believe she has learned her lesson and that row 54 will be much more cooperative when I pick her up again. Sometimes, you just have to give your knitting a little discipline.

"George W. Bush Is A Moron And You Know It"

So said a bumper sticker I saw last night...and now lust after with every fiber of my being.

I keep wondering how this could have happened.

Sigh.

Knitting:
FOs and hats...I actually have finished a couple of things...yes, I do know how frightening that is, actually.

Finished the baby seed stitch hat from Mindful Knitting...out of Blue Sky Organic Cotton which is Yummy by the way.

Finished a grown up hat for Drama Queen #2, the 16yo girl, out of Cascase Quatro in this Ann Norling pattern.

And actually, (now Ryan don't get too excited), pulled out the remaining sock to be knit that I started in June. Had to rip it back quite a bit cause I couldn't figure out where the hell I was....

Ah bin sig

Translates to "I've been sick." I still pretty much sound sick, but I feel a little better. Haven't been up to much knitting in the meantime tho. Being too sick to knit stinks, let me tell ya!

On a "I'm-cranky-cause-I'm-sick" note (gee, aren't you glad you tuned it?)....

I should not have done the SPIII. I knew it before I started, but I got sucked in. The person for whom I am SPIII-ing has apparently felt I have not been attentive enough. Yes, life has interfered and I have not done some of the things I wanted to do...but I also didn't realize I would be considered non-compliant for not checking in on a daily basis. Sigh. So...now I feel like a flake and I really haven't meant to be or thought that I was for that matter.

My SPIII has been pretty quiet and I haven't gotten anything yet, but ya know what? It's okay! I know firsthand just how life will interrupt and I figure I'll get something sooner or later and if not, well...oh well.

I'm just saying, I should have followed my gut instinct and not participated. Sigh again.

End of unscheduled crankiness.

I did get a package in the mail last week....I had *ahem* forgot to tell Crafter's Choice I didn't want them to send me Ann Budd's new sweater book....Convenient, eh? I lusted after it in Barnes and Noble and there it was, snug in my mail box for me. I really love the format...where she gives basic dimensions and you can add all the nice touches you want or just have the basic design. I also love the idea that each pattern gives several gauges for different yarns. I really hate substituting yarn in patterns, mostly because I'm a coward and don't have enough confidence in my knitting skills to make my own decisions sometimes. Who am I kidding, that actually applies to my life....not having enough confidence do make my own decisions.

Now, lest we fall into a maudlin discussion of Lisa's character faults....I bid you a fond farewell from wet, rainy Central Oregon. It truly rarely rains much here. Just looking at the gray, windy outside makes me want to curl up with a good book, tea and cookies under a warm blanket.

So, is anyone reading anything good? I just finished this, which was pure brain candy and I am plowing through this....which is not. I like it, I just have to *think* when I read it.

Good Grief!

It's been 10 days since I posted?? Geez...what a slacker!

Knitting:
Been working on Faina...and I find her to be exasperating! Row 54 and I have gone round and round...sigh. I am starting the first repeat of the pattern, which of course starts with row 54...the row from hell in my limited experience. Keep coming up one stitch short...and it's driving me insane. I put it down and didn't touch it again this weekend because as Ryan said...I didn't want to deal with fussiness! I'll gear up on it again this week.

Meanwhile, I have been cranking out dishclothes for a bazaar, the proceeds of which will be donated to the local Community Center. I'm enjoying the mindlessness of whipping them out. Price? Geez...that one is so hard for me? So...anyone out there with an idea on price for dishclothes? Knit out of Lion Brand Kitchen Cotton, $3.99 a ball, get 3 out of each ball. They are about 5 x 5, bias knit with a little eyelet edging. Takes me 2 hours (with the one million interruptions that happen at my house) to knit it up. Again, this is not for me...whatever $$ comes out of them will go to the Community Center. That said, I want the darn things to sell, now wait for a philanthropist (? is that right...geez I need more coffee) who is willing to pay a lot just to support the Center. So, if you have any suggestions... I'd be grateful!

I hooked up with an old love over the weekend....

Ha, that sounds way more exciting than reality...the "old love" is polymer clay. My sweetie recognizes my need for this continuing love affair tho, so "it's all good," as my teens say.

Since I have been in emotional upheaval (perpetually it seems)...suddenly my creativity is flourishing and some way cool jewelry is now sitting on my kitchen table. Some of it I will keep, some I may sell at the bazaar (for me...probably with a donation of part of profit to the Community Center too...) and I am struggling with price there too. I have recognized I probably need to consult some friends I trust to look at it and go with their pricing.

My entire life, I have been unable to price my art reasonably. I always have felt it isn't worth anything...so I priced it to bottom price. This resulted in my selling it all...very quickly...but no $$...basically would break even. Or, worse it wouldn't sell because I priced it so low, people thought it wasn't worth anything. Ever done that? You later do that classic slap-to-the-forhead thing...

Self esteem. Spell it with me now, S-E-L-F E-S-T-E-E-M...... "I will ask a reasonable price for my artwork."

I so wish I could show you pics, because honestly, this is the best work I've ever done. Good enough for me to say to my art-wise friends, "okay, you price it and I won't say 'that's too much'."

Feelin' Sassy....

Quick post just to say....I'm feelin' sassy.

Why? Well....

• It's Friday, tho I do have to work this weekend.
• The weather is crisp-fall-perfect.
• I've had a lot of coffee and damn, everything's better when you've had a lot of coffee, eh?
• I've re-read Harlot's Letter to Rhinebeck...and AGAIN it made me laugh even though I believe I have read it four times now. Woman is a genius, absolute genius. I want to move to Canada and be her best friend. Okay, that sounds a little stalkerish, but...it's true.
• I have lovely blog friends....which is reason enough to feel good, take my word. Matter of fact...go check out these loverly ladies....(in no particular order, of course)...
• Ryan
• Bron
• Robbyn
• Marie
• Norma
• Rachel

If I missed someone, it's not personal...I'm just, you know, perimenopausal and can't remember my own phone number sometimes....

Gifts

I received the most thoughtful, kind gift last week. As I've mentioned...things have been, well, not good. I was on my way to an appointment, feeling pretty darn blue and overwhelmed, when I swung by the post box. There was a slip saying I had a package....I knew I'd be late if I stopped for it...but I wouldn't be back before the office closed...not much of a dilemma, I chose being late!
The package was from Norma, of Now Norma Knits... I so wish I could show a pic of the contents...(ARGH!!!! STUPID TECHNOLOGY!!!)..ahem...but I can't at the moment. I can show you one thing tho, it was this, Nicky Epstein's Christmas Stocking Book!!! I didn't even know it was out there....and now it's mine!! Woo hooo, thank you Norma!! Just think....I can make ONE SOCK....and no one will tease me!! This is heaven!

Also included: A lovely handmade angel ornament, made from sweet peachy-colored tulle...AND (I know!! THREE things....wow!!) a set of spreaders (you know, for cheese or dip or whatever...) with Christmas-style handles...... am I lucky or what??

Now....another subject.... I wanted to post about Norma's RAOK before I forged ahead. It really did help me hang on another day or two to my sanity, I hope you know that Norma.
______________
Warning...this is not happy-go-lucky...gee, life is grand stuff. If you don't wanna read about hard stuff, I don't blame you and you are free to move on. For some, it is "too much information," I get that. Life is just sometimes messy......and I have spent a lot of my life pretending everything was fine...when it wasn't. That is what my family/role models did, and so that is what I did.

"What, you say there's a pink elephant in the room?? No, there's no elephant....everything is fine."

Well, sometimes life isn't fine, sometimes is sad and scary and overwhelming. Sometimes it's our own *stuff*, sometimes our childrens, our spouses, or other people near and dear.

Tomorrow is my 20th wedding anniversary...were I still with my ex-husband, I imagine I would be celebrating it. It will always be the anniversary, whether we were together or not, you know?
I spent 14 years married to an alcoholic. I had no preparation for this...there was some major mental illness and dysfunction in my family growing up...but alcohol was verboten. So, I never learned to recognize alcohol abuse for what it was or how to respond when someone I cared about had a problem. The duration of my marriage, I was convinced it was my fault Mike drank. I went into the marriage quickly, with a lack of maturity (couldn't tell me that then!!), and with a background of being raised to believe my mother's mental illness was my fault...and my responsibility to contain and perform damage control when things went wrong. Since I immediately went to "this is all my fault!!", it was pretty easy for Mike to say "oh....hey, YEAH...this IS all your fault!!!" I handed him a "get out of jail free" card on a golden platter...the card must have read something like this:

"You are hereby free to be an out-of-control alcoholic

and your wife will not only take all the blame...

She will also cover up for you, make right your wrongs,

AND try to be June Cleaver on top of it!!

Go ahead...pass GO and have another drink!...If you spend

the rent money, don't worry...Lisa will fix it!"

Nice, eh? Yup, I pretty much did that to myself...but completely unknowingly. Do I have some stuff to get over? Yeah. That's why I'm doin' therapy!!

Then, DQ#1 moved in with her dad when she was 14. When she moved back home 18 months later, she was abusing alcohol and over-the-counter meds. 69 days of inpatient rehab and a LOT of money later...she came home sober, and has been ever since. I am very, very proud of her and very thankful.

Now, someone else I love has stumbled out of not drinking and back into using alcohol to escape pain. That's what's going on with me. I'm working on knowing it isn't my fault, I'm not responsible, etc. I'm also working on saying out loud "There is a problem." That is a big one.

So...there it is. No knitting content (tho Faina is up to 85 rows!! woo hoo)...just an open window into my life. I have really let my SPIII down in all of this, but she has been very kind. Hoping the box on it's way to her will make things a bit better there.

Next post we will resume our regularly scheduled knitting posting.